Monday, September 04, 2006

Chicken or beef?

She wasn't happy. She had a permanent mask on. She was depressed and lonely. She was always mad and never allowed herself to be true to herself. She never talked about her feelings, no matter what kind of feeling it was. If she didn't write she would die. If she died she wouldn't really care. She had no good friends, she wouldn't let anyone in. She didn't feel comfortable talking to people. She never smiled. She was always thinking about her dead grandmother, it'd be weird if she smiled. She always locked herself in her room to cry, then ran to the bathroom to clean her face. It never worked. She never told the guy she loved that she loved him. When she was gone he was gone too. Now I wouldn't mind having him around but she's back when it comes to him cause she was too connected to him and she didn't give me the right to have that connection. I buried her but she wanted that connection to be buried with her and I couldn't say no to that. She was dying, for God's sake! She was too shy, more than I am. She would probably call me crazy now. I call myself crazy. The essence is not supposed to change! She knew it and that's what kept her alive. But I changed my essence! My essence was her. I forgot her. I wanted to be away from her. I wanted her to be away from me. I moved and thought I could get rid of her. But she followed me, it's like she's trying to haunt me. To scare me. But it doesn't work cause I know her. I know how she works, I know her better than anyone. I know what gets to her. I know how to destroy her. But then she whispers, "Well, smartie, I know how to get to you too. I also know how to destroy you". And she really does. She's the only one who really knows me, deep down. She was me, and later I was her. We know each other. She's my past. But I don't want her to be my past. I need to be my own past. But she has it. My past is in her hands. And her future is in mine. But she doesn't care about her future, she never did. And I care about my past. I want my past. But I can't have it cause if my past isn't hers then I don't have a present. I'll never get all three things. Unless... No. That's crazy. She wouldn't agree. Or would she? I know her... so yeah, I know what she'd say. "What will they think?" Then I'd tell her they'd say we're complete. And that would convince her. And me, cause I think I'm the one who doesn't want it. She did hurt me after all. But if we both agree then there's a solution. We become friends, so none of us would have to disappear. I won't be her and she won't be me. We'll be both at the same time. We won't be separate. We never really were and she knew it. Maybe I knew it too, I just didn't wanna believe that. But now I do cause she convinced me today. We are one and none of us has to be picked. We're chicken and beef. Not or.

The title is from Gilmore Girls, the most perfect tv show ever.
The one who's to blame for this post is Natalie Imbruglia because of her song, Honeycomb child.